All I can do is dream you.- Roy

August 13 2007 9:57 PM   


Some months ago when I was pushing (obviously not too hard) myself to write more I wanted to write a post about the changing light in the morning. I'm awake by 5:00 and out the door shortly after 6:00. Every morning there was more light in the morning and more at the end of the day, peaking on the day after my birthday. Now the days are getting sorter. I finally had to accept that I needed to turn on a light in the morning. I like both. I like the light and I like the curling in feeling that comes with the darkness. I was going to write about it although I don't know why I thought it would be interesting. And days and weeks and months went by.

I'm writing tonight because I have some energy. I stayed home today because I've been having some pain in my heels and so I went to a doctor. The doctor is very cool. She has not mentioned my weight.

I was hobbling toward the train the other day and noticed two people hobbling in front of me. One was an older man and one was a woman who may have been my age, or younger. We all had the same hobble on the same side. I'm not sure why they were hobbling. And suddenly everyone I talk to has either had or known someone who has had the same thing I have. They all talk about the pain. It really does hurt. They are all sizes and all shapes and all ages.

Most doctors would be tempted to say something to me about my weight, which is why so many fat people don't go to them. It just gets tiresome. I wouldn't argue that weight might have something to do with it and might be part of the pain but it isn't useful to mention it. My doctor has been focused on getting me out of pain. I trust her. I like her. And I feel better than I have been.

When I started writing I was listening to Roy. They play this show during pledge often and I can never resist it.

Now I'm watching one of the summer cooking shows. Why? I do not know. They always irritate me. I was sad when waffle house girl left despite the fact that I knew she couldn't win. The best part of the show was when Ramsey told her he'd pay for her to go to culinary school. I normally don't dig culinary school but in this case I think it will give her some basics. She's being a brat tonight but I still love her. One of the other shows has left me cold. Why do I watch? The restaurant business never really lets you go. I dig what Bourdain has been writing.

My All Consuming link wasn't working. Why? I fixed it but I'm not sure how. Even when I'm not writing I keep that updated. Back when a simple question from George woke me up to the lack of music in my life I took a bunch of stuff to work and ripped it. But then I started testing on the PS2 and the Wii and needed to use the earphones. I'm back on PC now and hauling more music to work. I'm putting some of that in the AC list as well.

The new PC game is pretty great. I still play on the weekends. Crazy chick that I am.

Paul has a book out, which I just think is so cool! When I started reading blogs again I was thrilled to see little shops for some of the people whose creativity I so admire.

I'm unfocused. And tired. And not sure what I'm doing.



July 8 2007 10:08 PM   


The last time she was here Kristina bought us both a copy of a small book and recently she bought me another by Manquel. I want to follow him around and just listen. In the latter book he writes snippets, one of which tells about a protest in Nigeria over the Miss World contest. The protesters were fundamentalists who ran through the streets yelling, " God is great! Down with beauty!" Stuff like that sends me into hours of reverie.

I have no strong feelings about beauty pageants. I have no interest in them. They seem odd. I just don't care. I think the women are beautiful but I think so many people are beautiful. And I think beauty is good. It's more likely that I will disagree with people about what is ugly than what is beautiful.

There is a part of me that likes the idea of men protesting a pageant. But things are rarely simple. I find myself wanting to say this ... but not that. That ... but not this. Beauty is good and worth celebrating. The pageant format is problematic. I can argue against them. But I don't care enough. I just love the complexity in the little snippet from Manquel. I imagine him telling me the story with a smile of irony.

Someone wrote to me about a friend of their's. The friend is fat but has not been ashamed of it. And then someone said an extremely nasty thing to them and they had a rough time. I tried to respond to the email but my reply bounced back. Not sure why.

In the email I was directed to a blog on which the nasty thing was written, which I will not link because there are some things that are just too gross. When hatred is so unfounded and badly articulated I just back away. I might like to have the verbal dexterity of Cyrano when he responded to a crass comment about the size of his nose. But I don't. In the face of vitriol I am rendered dumb.



There are times ...

Beauty matters. I guess I always hope that as people become more , oh, I dunno, authentic, or something, their perception of beauty expands. No pun intended.


My inability to write continues. I think about writing. I read about writing. I read about reading. My life is all meta.

Because of the Manquel I thought I might just try to write really small posts. Just notes from my reveries. Like the day after the parade I walked past a Gay Pride sign in a window. It seemed to me that there would be no need for pride about something so intrinsic as preference if there had never been shame. Someone gave me a fat pride necklace but I can't wear it. I am not proud. Nor am I ashamed. I simply am fat. Any meaning making that gets layered onto that attribute of physicality is just fluff.

This ... but not that. That but not this.

I need to rest now. Shore up for the bus and the train and the shuttle and the job and the shuttle and the train and the bus. I have eight more pages of the second Manquel to take to bed and a bit more of the first for tomorrow. Fortification.



June 24 2007 8:07 PM   


Two friends sent me the same card.

Cool. That's how I want my living room to look.

I often think in terms of whether or not I feel like someone knows me. Sometimes I use it as a distancing mechanism. I don't think I know anyone who I haven't had that thought about, even my closest friends.

I can defend it. I know how it became a default response. I also see it as petulance. But, ya know how it is with default things. It happens. I try to stay calm and wait it out.

But when I got the same card twice I knew that my friends know me. I also got a card with a picture of a martini and a cig in an ashtray. That's me too. Not that I smoke anymore. And martinis are few and far between. But still.


George asked me what I've been listening to and I realize that I haven't been listening to anything. I'm a singer who never sings any more. A cook who never cooks. A writer who never writes. I ripped a bunch of discs into my computer at work and I've been trying to listen to music every day.

Small steps.



June 3 2007 9:42 PM   


I'm having trouble writing for all the same reasons. I worked some overtime and I had a coughing sneezing thing that lasted for weeks. I still have a bit of it. I'm tired all of the time. It may sound grim and sometimes it is. Mostly it's just time on a train and time doing my funny job and time in the pool and time recovering.

I watched this three times. A bit from which you can see here.

Under the heading: not sure if this good news, EA hired me. After a year I have finally left Geppetto's work shop and now I am a real child. Which means better money and benefits and a plaque with my name on it. It's not a bad job. It is a corporation. It is corporate culture. It is a corporation that makes games and it is in California so things are mellow. In some ways. But there's no question that we are in a corporation.

There's a kind of silencing. I can't talk about it.


There's no part of me that wants to write about game secrets on my blog. And I don't want to bite the hand that feeds me. And things aren't bad. The company has been through some changes since the days of EA spouse. So.

I dunno.

I had a really, really great dinner with George. Seems like it was a long time ago but it was only a few weeks. There are pictures of my pasta and asparagus and his burger. We had great conversation. It was good.

Renee is in town for a few weeks. We had burgers with Kathleen. I think I'll get to hang with her some this week.

Ya know. Life is OK.

I just wish I could write.






























































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